I’m not appologizing, not anymore. oh, I know you don’t want me to reach out to you anymore, and hun, this isn’t me reaching out. this is me ranting, because I’m sick of this….sick of turnign a blind eye, sick of lying to myself, to my friends, and tired, tired, of being made to feel like this. you wanted me to take charge for myself, and be less….whatever, well, thanks, I am.

I am sorry that I got you riled, really am, but….I’m sorry, you’re wrong. there’s no justification, none, for this tantrum you are throwing. I don’t think so, the adults I know don’t think so, and yes, I asked for guidence on this, because you….there’s jsut no sense in this, little, if any. trans, non-trans, adult, child, all of them agree, you’re either over-reacting, or simply trying to get attention, and…..at this point, i can’t tell which. with how you lied in the past, or enflamed events, and make me the bad guy. some of it was warned, a good deal wasn’t. and the only way I’ll be able to tell, is how much you play this up, and how much hate I get in my inbox. can’t wait to hear from Bella and Jonhathan, making threats again. coming to defend poor Carsyn, who somehow can’t defend zirself against a -word-, apperently. and I’m sorry, you can say ‘they’re acting on their own’ all you want, some one has to -tell- them what happened, and what they say, and what actually occured, generally doesn’t add up. …..and hun, if you have hard facts, things that will hurt me….fine, whatever? I mean….-sighs- by now I expect half the conversations we have to hurt, simply. so….I relaly don’t get the point you’re making, not that it matters. I never ‘went out of my way’ to trigger you, fuck, I’ve been dancing around at least  three dozen little things, I mean seriously minor things, that set you off if they’re even -mentioned-, let alone the actual major things.

and…..you…assume WAY more than I do, seriously…..I all but out right tell you my issues— which I gett beaten over the head for?! — and you thing I haven’t been dysphoric?….are you kidding?…..between you, and all these people you’ve introduced me to, do you know how many memories have jsut…exploaded?….do you have any idea how many feelings— purely, negative feelings— have welled up and drowned me?…-shakes head- screw you, out right, screw you, and i don’t mean sexually…..I have sat by, ‘triggered’ as you call it, so much some times I couldn’t see straight, and you want to talk about you being dysphoric? because I mentioned a gender……no no, not even, compairing me to a boy that’s treated you like shit, and out right insulted you, going as far to say what…what was it, something like ‘you can never understand my sexuality because of what you are’?….are you fucking kidding me?……for simply -bringing up- a gender…..not to be crule, not to tear you down, but to point out the fucking obvious that you seem to be compleatly missing, and would probably get you in a shit load of trouble….-shakes head-…no…I’m not going to ask for forgiveness anymore….you did this to your other friends, and I’m done letting you do this to me, over and over again…..call me what you want, bigot, close-minded, hell, call me the devil incarnate, I don’t care….I don;t deserve this….and I can put bets down on how many other people don’t either, with how many times you’ve done this. I’m done with you transferring your hate for others, onto me, I’m done trying to pretend you’re still the kind person I met a year ago…..

do you even -hear- the things you say some times? do you? how mean, spiteful, crule you are, to the people you call -friends-? you’ve bitched about how people force you out of groups you’re in, places that ‘rely’ on you, more than a few time in the past year, and have you ever stopped to think -why-?….right, that explaination, ‘they don’t like me/they want attention/they want my power’, that’s realistic…….here’s the cold hard truth, and I’m done hiding it so you can stay ‘decent’ and not have a melt down: you’re a rude, arrogent asshole, who thinks too much of her possition, and lets it effect zir….everything!….since the day I met you to fuck, the last time we talked, I’ve heard complaints about you, how rude you are, how self-centered you are, and damn if I didn’t see it myself after awhile……you thought you were waiting for something that wouldn’t happen, heh…..I was a fool to think you’d change, and mabey be -nice-….christ, my introduction to you was you insulting my friends, the ones that left because I hung out with you instead— yeah, shocker, no one wanted to be around me ‘cuz I was ‘taking your side’….

you make your own life dear, you really do…..you can only play the victim of circumstance for so long— especially with so many people backing you….you can blame me for making your life misurible, and hell, i’ll take respociblity for the things I’ve done….but you can’t blame it all on me, nu uh, no way….and I really- oh hun REALLY don’t think you need me, or my ‘impact’, fuck, by now no one needs me, and I’m not as stupid as some to think otherwise— and you people know who you are—…..no, I know you can live on without me, it’s what I’ve been afriade of for so long, but….really, now, I realize you’re jsut like the rest, in that you helped me get to a better place than I was…sorta. I might have been like that in the past, but….not anymore really…I’m not jealious anymore, if anything I’m happy in some ways, of the things and people you have, and I’m really not trying to make myself needed or anything like that…..liked, yeah, but appereantly that’s the ‘wrong’ thing to do….good to know, that offering to help, when you’re apperently shit out of luck, is insulting, real nice to have that thrown in my face. really. I’ll still offer it, because that what I do, but….there aren’t strings attached— at this point, I don’t want strings….I just want to make sure you’re okay, but screw this ‘friendship’, screw it…..over the past year you have demoralized me, fucked with my head, lied to me more than once, played with parts of me no one ever should, with anyone, and turned me into a ball of nerves around you for no good reason….really, I’m not gunning to be some center part of your life anymore, so, go suck a lemon.

besides, you have Edwerd, bless that boy’s heart. at this point we all know he’s the center of your focus, kinda of like I was, and no, that’s not big headed or egotistical, especially when every single person you know, save for your fking boyfriend, knew that you were ‘in love’ with me, and spouting it like idiots….you have him to focus on, and I really don’t want to take that away. but knowing you, I seriously wonder how long it is untill you pull the same shit you did with me— that you did with Jeremey….but, that’s all speculation…now, since I jsut got the wind knocked out of me, and have….serious matters that can be changed, to attend to, I leave you with this:

what I said, was not offencive, not in any way. it was a fact, something I worked at tentively. it doesn’t make me a bigot, it doesn’t make me close minded, especially after all I’ve followed along with, after all the respect I have given you. you decided to have a shit fit, and take a -single word-, not even an offencive one, far out of context. and you know what, you were right on one thing— you are unstable. your whole reaction to this, proves that. for your sake, for everyones’ sake, get some fucking grounding, you have pleanty of it around you.

you’ll never see this— well, mabey not never, but knowing you, it’ll be some time. like you said, you blocked me…but this letter isn’t meant to goto you, even if it is ‘addressed’….this is -my- rant, this is me washing off all the distain, all the pain, all the grime that’s built up….take it how you will, I don’t give two fucks anymore. I’m tired, and I’ve lost enough people today. and no, not because I was pigheaded or rude— I mean literally lost, people importaint to me….I just needed to vent, and get this out, other wise it would have eaten me inside.

I truely wish you luck, and a safe journey.

Cody